she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
