i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
50% drunk capacity currently
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
