My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Are we still banned from the library?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
