her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
