I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
