every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize