So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I want a musical about memes.
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