Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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