i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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