It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
