Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Randomize
