Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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