you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
