ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize