Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
