I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
