just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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