first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
