He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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