I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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