That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
