I think i peed on brittanys purse
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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