Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
