All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
