Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
