Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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