would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I smell like Dick and happiness
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
