I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
