I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
