The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
