i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize