He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
