I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
