You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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