we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
