when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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