Tell her she can't have a vagina
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
