I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
