Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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