im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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