i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
