dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
