I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
