is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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