I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
