I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
