You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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