it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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