You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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