if you like me you must not know who I am
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Randomize
