mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
