Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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