I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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