i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
