Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
