so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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