Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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