There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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