I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize