you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
