My Higher Power is John Stamos
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
