apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
